How does it
feel to be a Catholic? Certainly different.
It is
difficult to count all the ways it differs from being both an atheist and a
Protestant, because many things are different, either in shade or in nature.
Since I can contrast Protestantism with Catholicism better, that is the
comparison I will make.
The
transition was weird. I have had all sorts of people say I am no longer
Christian. I have betrayed the glorious Reformation. I went over to the Mary-worshippers
and ritualizers, the works-righteousness bunch, the ‘church’ that had tried to
hide the Bible from everyone, and to good measure, because if they had not,
someone would have read the epistle to the Romans or Galatians, and we would
not be in such a mess. That was what I was meant to feel.
The initial
reaction I actually had once I was in was that I was in some sort of cult. My
dad calls it “la secta,” or “the sect” in English. Except it is a strange cult,
because it is enormous in size and has a very long history. Nonetheless, we
have really esoteric claims. We claim that a guy who had his hands laid on by
another man, who in turn has been playing laying-on-of-hands tag all the way
back to Jesus and the apostles, can now change what looks like an unleavened
disc of bread into the flesh of a man who was born about 2,000 years ago, which
we are all meant to eat. Ditto with the wine, except that is blood – but get
this, it all looks the same. Sounds like the claim a cult would make.
Of course,
there is nothing inherently ridiculous with that claim, other than it being
less than common-sense. That’s OK, I study both physics and philosophy, which
at any university seem to be the two faculties with the least common-sense
beliefs around. Whenever one wishes to express something that sounds peculiar,
yet nonetheless sound intellectual, one has the option of beginning sentences
with “According to quantum mechanics…” and “You could argue philosophically
that…” So weird is OK. The only thing that is a pressing concern is whether or
not it is true – which I do.
The feeling
of a cult did not last for very long – the Church is too big, too ancient,
boasts too many intellectuals, to be dismissed as cultic nonsense. That gave
way to a feeling of awe, that there are so many people, dead and alive, in this
global communion. The size of the Church on the inside is staggering! It is
like the TARDIS – overwhelmingly bigger inside. Such brilliant people, too: from my hero St
Francis of Assisi, to the brilliant St Augustine of Hippo, great scientists
like Mendel and Le Maître, great philosophers like St Thomas Aquinas and René
Descartes, great missionaries like St Francis Xavier, and I even felt in deeper
communion with St Paul of Tarsus – which, of course, I was, and still am.
It is clear,
I am now also in deeper communion with some of the most infamous Catholic
sinners – we are all sinners, but the ones famous for their sin – like the
chief inquisitor, the bad popes and the not-so-great people in the categories I
just mentioned.
Worse, so
many of the bad Catholics are not figures in the past, they are figures in the
present. One of the things that is considered really uncool in an Evangelical
Protestant-style church is nominalism, and there is stacks of them in the
Catholic Church. As I wrote in my post
“The Road to Rome,” these people were a massive stumbling block. Or, probably
far worse than the nominal ones, the unfaithful Catholics who reject everything
it means to be Catholic – so much irreverence, ignorance, blatant disregard for
Church teaching. If even Catholics did not believe this stuff, how was an
outsider meant to? If someone from outside was not meant to believe this stuff,
then why be Catholic at all?
The staggering beauty of being in communion with the greatest Christians that
have walked the earth, contrasted with the “honeymoon over” reality that great saints
are few and far between has now led to more mellow concoction: the Church does
not just have the people radically transformed by the love of Christ, it has
the ones that have “faith” because it is part of their family culture, or for
some other reason that is similarly confusing to me. Put simply, it is full of
a lot of people, and this is something that one has to live with.
I doubt it
ever gets easier to live with it – read Pope Francis’ apostolic exhortation
“The Joy of the Gospel” (Evangelii
Gaudium), and quite soon one can see that one of the most pressing concerns
that the Pope sees are Christians who are unchanged by the Gospel, in
particular, who have “Lent without Easter,” who seem unchanged by the joy the
Gospel brings. No, he says, the Gospel brings joy, and the Gospel brings the
desire to spread to others the good news, or in other words, evangelization
stems from the joy of being Christian.
Essentially,
that is what Christianity is about: the urgent and breaking news, good news,
that God has decisively acted in history, he has fulfilled the promises he had
made to the particular nation of Israel, and in Jesus, God is reconciling the
world to himself, redeeming it and transforming it by his love. Christ has died
for us, therefore we have died also, and live in Christ, who God has raised
from the dead. This message precludes apathy and nominalism, it excludes
anything but that powerful phrase that recurs in the New Testament: Kyrios Christos! Christ is Lord! Nobody
else is: not Caesar, though he dominates the known world, not Satan, though he
is prince of this world with so much evil – no, Christ is Lord.
Hence, as
always, I am practically scandalized by the “Sunday Catholics” or the so-called
“CAPE Catholics” – only Catholic on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and
Easter Sunday. Either one believes the Gospel every day of the week, or none of
them – there is no real middle ground.
I suspect I
will spend much of my life in veritable angst over my brothers and sisters “in
the faith” that do not have the faith in reality. Let me be absolutely clear:
there are many saints in the Church, hundreds of people I have met, and many
millions that I have not, on that journey of faith, being sanctified daily – I
am honoured to be in fellowship with many of them in this Archdiocese of
Brisbane. This post is titled “Catholic Feels”,
however, and the scandal caused by casual Catholics too often blocks the noise
of the growing forest of holiness. Like I said, these are my feelings, not my
thoughts. My feelings never get much airtime anyway.
As much as
the communion-with-the-great-saints aspect is dulled by the
communion-with-the-great-sinners side of matters, the Catholic tradition continues
to overwhelm me. If one simply believes in
sola
Scriptura, then basically a good knowledge of the Bible is a good knowledge
of Christian theology in its entirety. Not so in the Church – thousands of
years of very intelligent, Spirit-led and Spirit-filled people, arguing over theological
matters, many of which the Church had to use her apostolic authority to settle,
either by the papal Magisterium or conciliar decree – everything is richer,
deeper, far more profound than I could previously conceive of. One area of
theology might be as far away from another as mathematical physics is to
zoology in the natural sciences, and all areas of theology are untameable.
Deeper
theology I might have expected, but I never would have guessed I would love the
liturgy. I had previously thought that even repeated prayers were basically
ritualistic (a word which I used to mean that outward signs are done with no
inward involvement), and hence talk of vestments, all those funny-sounding
names, missals, incense, the sitting-standing-kneeling movements and the
centrality of the Eucharist in the Mass was way off my radar.
Relatively
early on, my discomfort with the different rites disappeared. I would now claim
quite the opposite, that the Catholic (or Sacramental more generally) view of
rituals is the only one that makes sense: it is not being ritualistic to place
a high importance on Baptism if it is a Sacrament, or in other words, if it is
regenerative, a means of grace. But it makes little sense to be baptized at all
if one thinks it does nothing – other than the fact that Jesus connects making
disciples with baptizing, and the Apostles in general place a high value on it.
This latter perspective constitutes ritualism, because on the Catholic view a
Sacrament involves an inward grace – but on a non-sacramental view of Baptism
(or the same goes for Holy Communion), it really is only an outward sign.
All these
problems with the liturgy that I had were feelings – the Church has had them
since the beginning: many of the vestments come slightly later (but not all of
them), the funny-sounding-names are only odd because they were not English,
incense is almost undeniably apostolic in origin, and nobody who was not
heretical for more prominent reasons ever denied the Real Presence of Christ in
the Eucharist. The complaints I had with the liturgy, I think, come more from a
postmodern culture than any incoherence with Christianity. Christianity has
always been liturgical.
One final
word: whilst it is true that I had moved a year or so before from atheist to
theist and then to Protestant Christian, I can still quite clearly perceive the
differences between the more common strands of atheism and the Church, since it
is quite hard to miss if one is serious about being Catholic. There is a
fluidity of beliefs and anti-authoritarianism that is built into Protestantism
from its beginning – and some would say this is an advantage – so the easiest
Christian target is obviously the Catholics.
As a Catholic
in a very secular environment, then, how do I feel? A range of feelings occur
to me: there is defensiveness at times, as interesting-yet-offensive points are
brought to me and I find myself expected to defend the Church. Arrogant at
times, as very ignorant and simple minded arguments are brought to me, and the
fallacies or misinformation only produces a sense that I must be more
intelligent than other people. Mostly, though, I am OK to just let it slide. It
is no longer my fault if, once I attempt to calmly respond to queries, the same
points are made against me without any thought. There are the nice secularists,
of course, who are lovely to talk to. Again, though, this was about my feelings.